I’m never going to have children!”, I remember telling my mom coming home from school, still in shock from watching a real birth on video in 2nd grade. The video showing the sterile green hospital room, the pain filled screams and face of the woman in labor, and the fact that I was a sensitive 7 year old had put my life on the track of fearing and absorbing everything negative concerning pregnancy and birth. Many terrible stories people would share about their experiences, or pregnancy portrayed dramatically in the media, piled up within me. Nothing seemed to help. No comforting words, no positive stories, no common sense approach. Even my strong faith and my relationship with God couldn’t set me free from my fear, not even in theory- even though I had experienced God’s power in other areas of my life.
Fast forward – I got married to my best friend, my husband. He was incredibly patient and never put any pressure on me. We kept talking about having a child, but it always seemed like something far down the road. We prayed and left our decision as to when to seriously approach this to the Holy Spirit. Four years went by without any clear leading. I had two dreams in which I had a little boy, but those were not accompanied by a sense to move to action. On top of my fears I had a diagnosis from my OBGYN that due to hormonal problems it would be very hard for me to get pregnant.
This year in January I had another baby dream. In the dream I held my little baby in my arms and I was talking to it, speaking with overflowing love: “I am going to take care of you, every day! What ever you need! Every day!”. When I woke up I was very moved and asked God what the dream meant. He spoke to my heart and said that this love I had for my baby is the love He has for me, and that I am ready to have this child because He will provide everything I need just as surely as I would for my baby.
I was changed forever. My heart was healed from the fear of pregnancy and birth. Maybe we can never be the same if we experience the love of our Creator first hand. Two months later I was pregnant and ultra sound pictures show a little boy expected to arrive early January. I had an amazing pregnancy so far, basically no sickness, and I feel great everyday, exercising regularly and taking naps if I want to. My husband and I have bonded on an even deeper level, amazed every once in a while at the friendship and love we have had, and now get to see flourish in giving life. This is a story of how God interacts with His creation, if we are willing to be honest and listen. His love is the cure for our pain.